Looking Back, Thinking Ahead – By N. Kartik

Looking Back, Thinking Ahead – By N. Kartik

This time, like all times, is a very good one, if we but know what to do with it.

Life looks best when you look back into the past…Ever since I moved in to Chennai from Delhi, I have spent plenty of time in deep introspection. My days as a student were very much different from what it went on to be when I moved in to this southern land…I had my parents to look after me and I never gave too much thought to what my life would look like a few years from then…

I knew that the physical presence of my parents around me would provide me comfort against the most difficult of odds. And yes it worked. I realized this when I travelled away from them. Most of us, crave to live an independent life…not knowing what exactly wee mean when we say independence…we want to make our own rules and stick to them, notwithstanding whether it would be fair to implement them at a given stage in life…we define freedom by ascertaining how easy it is not to be accountable to our parents with respect to our frenzy actions.

I have lived a life like this when I moved away from my folks about 3 years ago. I remember my excitement knew no bounds when I would fantasize of a room for myself, things of my own, night shows, boyfriends, mental peace (what I believed then, I never got at home), freedom to do most things, in fact all things my own way. Things seemed bright and I certainly did not want to lose out on all the fun at any cost…I never wanted to go back home.

A couple of years passed and slowly I was immersed into the daily routines at work and my struggles with myself began sooner than I ever thought they may even occur. I found it increasingly difficult to keep up with the demands of boredom and mental agony which I would take back with me to bed on most nights…

I would come back from work tired and complaining but certainly not unsure about the next day’s travails, which I hoped would be even worse than what I might have faced on the day…My anguish crossed bounds as times passed by. I missed my parents more as months flew. It’s strange but I would like to admit that I was persistent still not to forego my “Freedom” and go back to a `better life` which I would have soon realised it was.

Times did exist when I lay back and cried remembering my parents. Not knowing how to tell them how I would miss them. The worst came when I realized, my parents too would never entertain the idea that I leave my work and get back to them. I must declare that I was fortunate to have immensely supportive parents who rarely loaded me with their household issues or such other important matters which they thought may disturb me. I would no doubt call them religiously on every night…I used to focus on sending one mail to my Dad each day, sometimes all that the mail could hold was a `Hi Dad. How are you? Love you, daughter`.

Times have passed since I first left home. Though I haven’t gone through any memorable hardships or grey moments during my lone stay, I would confess that many times I did wish I weren’t alone. I did slowly realize age was catching up and that I needed a partner. I did realize that as I grew older, my priorities moved on …I realized that my parents did the right thing almost each time…I realized that I didn’t probably show them or their thoughts, the due concern…and above all I realized that life can never be lived alone. I knew by then that the freedom I yearned for so desperately over the years was very much around me…but even then, life was meaningless if I do not add meaning to that freedom…God has been tremendously nice to me…He has, unbelievably, granted me almost all my wishes.

I soon met my life partner…we met, we liked each other…we tied the knot on 13th November, 2005. That day and all days since then I realised life had more in store for me. Marriage is a beautiful feeling. I laugh at those days I used to spend fighting with my parents when they would suggest that I go ahead and tie the knot…I would revolt saying that I am not for it…all the time trying to hide from them why I thought so. Little did I realize that soon I would see a day when I would laugh at it all and wish I had married much earlier. The mental agony I used to go through at the thought of marriage has now been replaced by a strong faith that the one who doesn’t enjoy this feeling is indeed a very unlucky person.

Life with my husband has been a journey of joy. We still look at each other with the same adulation which we did months ago…we still are excited at the thought of seeing each other after a hard days` work…we fight, but we always come back to each other…we have our shares of fights and abuses…but we also do not miss any chance to steal a hug and kiss.

I’m living a beautiful life…I had the fortune of having very loving parents, an extremely rewarding education and a bright career…God has above all endowed me with a loving life partner…I have not been an ardent fan of God or religion, but I have always looked up into the sky and had my own private moments with my dear friend…thank you God, for everything….